The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
