one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
