I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
