my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
