I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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