I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
