just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
