You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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