dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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