She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
