Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
