I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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