why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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