Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
