He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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