While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
