she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
