he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
