You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
