So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Everclear isn't food dammit
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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