The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
