Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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