If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
