I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
