I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
