You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
