i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
