Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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