My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
