Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
