this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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