I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
