Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
