the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
