While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
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theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
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Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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