What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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