Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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