I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
