Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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