you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
