tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
