I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
