she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
