who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
