i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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