I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
