I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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