he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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