Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
