you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
