mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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