I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
