get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
