If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You are a genius and a whore.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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