Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
