For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
