Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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